seven seconds

2010-08-21T21:01:00.001-07:00

nobody ever told me how much this would hurt. i should be taking baby steps in life right? it feels like you've just pushed me into the ocean and left me to drown.

i want to hate you. i really do. you hull me in, throw me back out, hull me in, throw me back out. it's like i'm a fishing net. the cycle is endless. wtf do you want from me? i've given up myself...isn't that enough? huh? i can't give you anything else. you have my all. so if you don't want it, then leave me be. don't go fkn hot and cold on me all the time. don't hurt me anymore.

and even after all this, why do i still want you to be happy? my head's telling me that you don't deserve to be happy. but i know that you're not happy...not entirely happy at least and again, i give in.

i hate myself. more than you will ever know.

2010-08-03T02:49:00.001-07:00

stop messing with me.

i'm not some disposable toy that you can just play around with.

2010-07-27T04:38:00.000-07:00

dear blog

i'm writing this here instead of tumblr coz i know you don't even know this blog exists. well, i don't know if you've ever been on my tumblr but since i haven't used this blog in ages, this blog is more private anyway.

a little bit of me died yesterday. and it hurts so much. i told myself to breathe...breathe in...breathe out. but then i remember that you said the same thing to me yesterday and i just die a little more. why did no one tell me it would hurt this much? how can you act like nothing happened?

i kept trying to hold my breath today because every time i breathed in, i could detect your scent. ever so subtle but always just there. i checked my phone a thousand times today because i kept thinking that you would text...just like before. how can all this change in the span of a day..less than a day...it hasn't even been 24hours yet..

i think i would like to dream forever. to sleep forever. to never wake up.

what happens when the only person you want to talk to is the one who hurt you? what happens when the person that you want to open up to is the very person that you can't face? i can feel the darkness closing in on me again and god i'm scared. i hate this feeling. this helplessness. this suffocation.

how could i have let my walls crumble? how could i have let my defenses down?

it's time to rebuild these walls.

2010-06-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

going to stuff up everythingggg. stupid exams. i hate you. :( sigh...micro: 5/14ch. mgmt....acct...law....haven't started :(((( soo my plan is: pass mgmt. get at least a credit for acct....and i want a distinction for law...-_-"

or maybe i should jst aim for a pass for all four haha. mmm :( wish everyone wasn't so smart.......hate this competitiveness...

2010-06-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

aha kinda glad that everyone's forgotton bout blogspot :) now i can ramble on forever.

so you never talk to me unless i talk first.

so i don't see you at all even though you used to be my closest friend.

so it seems that every time i talk to you, you need to go.

so you don't value my friendship at all.

guess you were never my friend after all.

what are friends, really?

but it just makes me so sad. one minute, i knew that there was someone that i could depend upon and the next, i'm flung into mid air with no safety net below me. i hate it when i drift apart from people and yet this is what uni seems to be doing to me. i hardly see techies and we all seem to be drifting apart, but no one seems to care but me. perhaps it's the stress. who knows.

but still...i'm confused. why is it that we go through life and lose the things we cherish most. i wish that everything that i have will never leave, will never break, will never be destroyed. but it seems that the closer i grasp what i value, the harder it is to cling on..the more it wants to leave. =X oh well...that's life right?

on another note..haha you make me smile even though you don't know it and there's so many things i wanted to say but was too scared to. noone can open themselves up without getting hurt. so i'm sorry if i disappointed you.

2010-05-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

ahhh i haven't written anything in months.

i don't know why but i seem to be keeping to myself more these days. don't get me wrong, the amount of time i spend talking hasn't changed but the content has.

i was talking to a friend the other day and whereas before, i would've gone on for agees about the topic he was talking to me about, i just clammed up. i said about two sentences and then stopped...afraid that it will make him see me in a different light. afraid that my friend might not like what he sees. so maybe he was disappointed. maybe he thinks of me as some stupid, retarded person that can't go beyond the surface of my day to day life. truth is, i don't like opening up. truth is, no one knows me.

on another note...=X why are you not on msnnnn. imtty.

2010-03-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

OIRW HTEva5320q i thought i gave up blogging....and i did....when i was stress free lol -.-"

now my stress levels are higher than what it was DURING the hsc.

i've read this so many times that the words have become jumbled up :(

'for the preservation of the peace and the maintenance of justice inquiries be made through out each county and hundred by twelve legal men of the hundred and four legal men of each township, under oath to tell the truth; if in their hundred or their township there be any man who is accused generally suspected of being a robber or murderer or thief, or any man who is a receive of robbers, murders or thieves since our lord the king was king.' -first clause of the Assize of Clarendon 1166 (kekeke assize XD haha i'm so immature)

2010-01-19T01:16:00.000-08:00

yyyyewwww

who else has deviantart?! haha it's kinda funnnnn~~

cept my eyes are sore now....

refiguring out how to use photoshop....

cept my eyes are sore now....

going through random pics

cept my eyes are sore now....

you get the point loool

2010-01-18T02:14:00.001-08:00

getting sick of my blogskin...

wish i could turn back time.

rewind. delete. play.

2010-01-09T23:19:00.001-08:00

wow i haven't updated in 4weeks...o.O""" got back from europe a few days ago...it was awesome!! well...for the most part...other parts were....awkward/annoying/confusing haha we experienced so much (hmm...or should i say annie and i experienced so much...haha anny if you ever read this...i think you'll know what i'm on about ;) BUT doesn't mean it was all good)

anyways, i cbb writing bout it so i'm jst gonna post up some pics and add a bit of commentary... sighh while annie and anny were writing in their scrap books/travel diaries...i was...busy catching up on sleep ??

o.O" soooo my goal of the week is to write everything down in this nice diary thingy i bought with the last of my pounds.

soo first day was amsterdam...think i've

talked about it enough for everyone to get

it -.-" yes...i didn't smoke pot

(T_T" and yes i wanted to try but oh

wells...unforeseen circumstances arose o.O)

BUT i saw the sex show...so i did half of wha

t people go to amsterdam to do? haha who cares.

2nd

pic...yea...they sell cigars/pot/cigarettes everywhere...like literally T_T"""" and well...the whole city smells of pot and tbh...it smells nicer than cigarettes...more subtle i guess

the 3rd one was taken on our trek home at 1am in

the morning thanks to the stupid jaeger bombs/gigantic german pretzels/whatever else we had in the bar. it was completely silent/quiet and annie and i were too high to care about the eeriness. err anny was strangely quiet though...well...we needed someone normal/sober to read the map =)

in the end..it took us 2.5hrs (i think) to walk back to the hotel...T_T""" haha oh wells...at least we felt warm even tho it was like...-15degrees sighhnext pic: scenery of prague...probs my fav city. but...yeah.

next was munich...and we went to dachau concentration camp- the first one to be opene

d during WWII and where 30,000+ people died.

then in munich we went to the ho

fbrahaus

?? (no idea how to spell it) some beer hole thingy. annie and i almo

st died on our 1L of beers...serio

usly..i can't even drink 600mL of water in one go

-.-"

THEN- xmas eve in venice!! ok...the hotel itself was amazi

ng...5star and beautiful...and the food...is apparently heaps expensive...but i took 2bites

and wanted to puke...i don't care if it's some famous italian cheese......YOU DON"T EAT CHEESE

FOR DINNER -.-""""""" so basically i took 2bites and just sat there....><"""

oh yeah...and we also had secret santas XD lol got a fake swarovski necklace thingy fr

m seb

but errr....he thinks i don't like it...oh

wells.

and

then...christma

s dinner in florence. haha the guys singin

g were hilari

ous....kinda mumbling in english and trying to get the audienc

e to sing instead -.-""

and then in rome...everyone tried to get a

nnie drunk ....errr not really sure if it worked...but she

DID get high on a blowjob o.O"

next day was....FLORENCE!! the leaning tower of pisa shots are...on anny's camera -.-"

ok...the next few pics are coz i couldn't res

ist...but then my sense of humour is retarded -.-

ok so at the beginning of the night...(errr maybe not beginning beginning....think anny left already when we took that pic)...there's annie and i -normal/energetic with mike/matt o.O" dunno which one...stupid tw

ins and then people perf

orming k (it was a karaoke/bar thing) and the audience dancing...and then...tada...next day...no sig

htseeing coz everyone's dead NOTE: THE RANGA GUY (mat) IS THE WORLD"S LOUDEST SNORER T_T""""""""""" woke me up like on a daily

basis everytime we have a coach ride...

and i simply couldn't resist this pic coz it's hilarious

to me and annie ==

next day was still florence...we saw where armani lived o.O" or at least that's what the tour guide said T_T" ok argh......i have like no day pics of florence...anny/annie has them ><>

whhh forgot to introduce my secret santa people. xD

ok in order...there's maddie, me, susan and anke. maddie (i.e. the chick holding the cup) was MY secret santa person...lol being unoriginal and limited to 5euros...i got her errr eyeliner and earrings?...the cheapest thing i could find sighh. owh yeah...being around susan AND maddie at the same time...i was thinking, hm...one's a psych student and the other's a counsellor....not sure if i reeeeaally wanna talk to them. anke's an army driver who just came back from east timor?? can't remember. ==

and then there's seb...where i was his secret santa pe

rson. loll annie and i find him hilarious coz his aim is to try the

most famous beer in each country but then he walks around patting his stomach saying his pregnant coz he drunk/ate too much that day o.O"""

next day was SWITZERLAND (new year's eve day) but i'm so annoyed atm....ANNY AND ANNIE HAVE ALL THE DAY PICS...ok....main reason was coz me...being the lazy person that i

am...and anny being t

he over enthusiastic camera taking person takes about 100

0000+ photos while i

take.

..one T_T"

NEW YEAR"S EVE- lucerne-

masquerade/play boy themed thingy. isn't it pretty??? and it

wasn't even as cold as we expected it to be. in berlin we were like..omg it's freeeeezing, imagine switzerland. but it was actually kinda warm...even on top of mt pilatus

. ok...the masquerade theme was nice...until u actually try to put on your mask...then it's like.....omg...and ben (who reminds me of matt) with his beak thing was -.-" everytime he moved his head/talked he'd hit MY head with his BEAK T____T" and i was like....omg.......

next day: PARISSSSSS

haha the Eiffel tower T_T" pics of me are

all on annie/anny's cameras and i just sifted through my photos and realised that 90% of my photos with actual people in it...are filled with anniy and anny. sighh. anyways, THE CITY OF LIGHTS/THE CITY OF LOVEEEE is s

ooo pretty at night. just....made me freeze to death that's all. xD the 2nd pic was taken from the eiffel tower.

ok so that was the brief version of my tour....owh...forgot to introduce marco (polo...nahh his last name is some spanish thingy that i can neither spell nor pronounce). since we had three people...i ended up sitting next to marco on the coach like...70% of the time...and....HE"S MORE CHILDISH THAN ME mwahahaha and he's the one that gave me my stupid cold. -.-' owhh and this is hilarious.

marco to johan: dudeeee why'd u buy an italian cookbook?! can your mum read italian??

johan: it's an italian souvenir! plus...it's not that hard to figure out italian...

marco: oh yeah?? ok...so this is spaghetti...tortellini...what the hell are the rest of the ingredients and how she gonna follow the instructions.

johan: *goes silent* ..........errr she can learn italian?

ok...annie and i couldn't stop laughing at that but i guess u just had to be there for it to be funny.

yeah cbb uploading more pics n stuff.

i give up.

2009-12-11T22:53:00.000-08:00

watched onegin and synecdoche, new york today and i was like...o.O" wow. but then...sighh it made me all depressed at the insignificance of our lives. we are all somebody....but at the same time, we are all nobody. the world doesn't care if we don't exist, not really.

two of my favourite quotes from synecdoche, new york.

"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen."

and

"What was once before you - an exciting, mysterious future - is now behind you. Lived; understood; disappointing. You realize you are not special. You have struggled into existence, and are now slipping silently out of it. This is everyone's experience. Every single one. The specifics hardly matter. Everyone's everyone. So you are Adele, Hazel, Claire, Olive. You are Ellen. All her meager sadnesses are yours; all her loneliness; the gray, straw-like hair; her red raw hands. It's yours. It is time for you to understand this. As the people who adore you stop adoring you; as they die; as they move on; as you shed them; as you shed your beauty; your youth; as the world forgets you; as you recognize your transience; as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one; as you learn there is no-one watching you, and there never was, you think only about driving - not coming from any place; not arriving any place. Just driving, counting off time. Now you are here, at 7:43. Now you are here, at 7:44. Now you are... Gone."

zZzzzz lost my blogging mood now. T_T"

hmm

why is it that they say people are two faced when each person really has MORE than two?? oh wells.

anyways, merry christmas and happy new year everyone.

i know this post was lame sighhhh. see you all next yr lollll

2009-12-07T05:33:00.000-08:00

shut up.

just shut up.

2009-12-03T01:50:00.000-08:00

sigh compared to my xanga....my blogspot is an epic fail ><"""""

got nothing to say except i'm sick of everything EVERYTHINGGGGG ! sighhhh can't even concentrate on a drama...don't feel like going out at all (mainly coz i have no money...), don't even feel like SLEEPING -.-""""

found out that thinking about fattening foods stimulates your cells to store more fat or something today.......lame.. how depressing....stupid brain...stop thinking about food >.>

back to being bored now.

think i'm getting a bit paranoid. but meh

2009-11-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

so yesterday i went to hornsby and...i suppose, it was the first time that i realized how much i've changed (not physically...sadly i'm still short and round and still have a moon-cake face -.-")
but yeah...as we were walking around, planning our trip, talking about nothing and everything at the same time, it seemed like my interests didn't match theirs. Of course, there had always been the slight differences (lol imagine if we had identical interests T_T) but today, it seemed like our differences, which had once merely been little seeds, have developed into shrubs or even trees.
looking back on myself, i don't particularly like who i've become (or at least, the parts about myself i never knew existed). traits in others which annoy me seem to have become a part of me...iunno...i remember thinking at some stage in my life that i'll never lose my identity, i'll never conform to social conventions and there i was, talking, when it dawned on me that a part of me (regardless of how small it was) had changed and i didn't like it. hated it, even.
lol when did i start caring about what others thought of me? when had i started to hide my thoughts on life for fear of being judged? why is it that society has such a large influence on way we develop and why is it that i never noticed that i'd changed??? perhaps it's coz i have too much time on my hands, too much time to think..to ponder..to reminisce.
ahh...this post is getting way too personal...
back to random stuff-
MY SLEEPING HABITS ARE RETARDED!!!!!
okay so for the first time this week, i stayed at home. i slept at 2 last night...woke up at 9....fell asleep at 1....WOKE UP AT SIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies* what a waste of a day...and now the bugs in my backyard are bugging me......SHUT UP....owh and my neighbours too....THEY NEVER BLOODY STOP TALKING.......i mean seriously, doesn't your mouth get tired? your throat get sore? and most of all...DON"T U GET SICK OF LISTENING TO EACH OTHER BLABBER ON?!?!?!?! maybe it's the weather...i'm so annoyed at everything atm sighh
what a waste of time.
17days...

2009-11-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

my feet are killing me!!!!! argh
watching 'wish to see you again' sighh...the amount of loyalty they have for each other is making me depressed.
omgsh i finally figured out how to put chinese on my comp...NO MORE BOXES!!!!!
on msn, i hate talking to people who always expect you to start convos...

2009-11-24T01:39:00.000-08:00

went to the city today...and and and i went into a church for the first time in my life! (yes...to everyone else, it's just a building..nothing to get excited about but meh who cares) haha went to st mary's cathedral and i was so shocked at how silent everyone was inside but it was kinda depressing how the walls had paintings of Jesus' last days

buuuut anyways....today was kinda funny lol saw brendon's 'before' and 'after' hair (he went kinda bald haha)

oooh think i'm getting a new laptop....now...just have to convince my dad to get the one IIII want...-.-"""" well actually, i don't even know how to judge them ><>

21 days. so excited.

2009-11-23T02:05:00.000-08:00

ok something happened with my background sooo =X i had to change it and then i found this pic...it's pretty! (well...kinda cbb looking through blogspot skins soo chose this random one -.-)

i've just realised....my muscles have been in constant pain during the past week and a half...grrrrr me trying to jog, play bball, swimming, tennis, randomly moving around...has killed my muscles sighh..so unfit.

grrr tutoring english(i.e. EARNING MONEY) is hard...T____T" why can't i have a tree that grows money *sobs*

to do:

*get fit and lose the bloody kilos i gained during hsc *glares*

* EUROPE

* earn money (sighhhhhhhhh)

*learn to swim

*learn tennis/bball? o.O" cept...i'm probs the world's worst student when it comes to anything physical sighhhhh =x

*become a saint (in terms of niceness i mean) and piss everyone off with my saintliness (LOLLLLLLLl totally impossible i know but just felt like adding it in)

2009-11-20T00:49:00.000-08:00

dear blog:

there's a reason that i'm so retarded sometimes. it's coz i hang around with people like........*drumroll*.....JESSAI LOLLLLL

p.s. click on pic to see what i mean xD

was meant to go city/clubbing (ok wasn't really planning on the second part coz i got nothing to wear lollll) today...buuttt yeah my actions are dictated by the weather. we should get pills or something that just eliminate our fears....then i'd take one for spiders, thunderstorms, heights, rollercoasters, insects in general, big bodies of water (e.g. the sea) actually...i don't think i'd ever stop taking pills at this rate...-.-"

up to page 86 of romulus my father......=X i read like two pages at a time, do something else then read another two pages...grrrrrrr still hate aos AND I FINISHED YR 12 GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

p.s sorry =X -.-" ><

2009-11-18T02:17:00.001-08:00

hi blog

played bball today and watched like 5eps of big bang theory and random two eps of drama which matt said was lame just coz zai zai's in it >.> screw you!!!

went to the beach on monday and now i'm bloody tanned grrrrrr. have still yet to read angela's book....getting there...i've read 9pages (and i've been stuck on those 9 pages for a week now sighh).

got hair cut, watched dorian gray and went shopping at macq on sunday....stupid shoes gave me blisters sighh.

currently: stuck in limbo.

2009-11-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

ok since i'm bored out of my mind and trying to put off reading angela's book -.-" i shall blog lol

watched dead man walking today.....almost made me bawl my eyes out. makes me think that there is seriously something wrong with countries such as the US (where in certain states capital punishment is still allowed...but then again...the US is...o.O (not intended to be defamatory in any way))...just because someone takes someone else's life, does that mean that the State has the right to take THEIR life? do they not realise that in so doing, they are merely instilling the same pain upon the murderer's family? crime rates in those areas aren't dramatically lowered in comparison to other states so does it not tell them that the penalty doesn't act as that much of a deterrent? sighhh....i'll never understand the politics behind the whole thing...i just don't believe in the concept of taking 'an eye for an eye' -it's too cruel. in every 'monster' there is a human being...there is a small beacon of good --- should it be our right to extinguish that flame? does it not render us as cruel as them?

don't get me wrong...of course they deserve punishment but capital punishment is just too....cold and calculating...and what if that person's wrongly convicted??? OWH go watch boston legal- death not be proud!

ah i give up on this topic...gonna make me wanna bawl again -.-" sean penn is sooo good!!! loll

ps. i hate cockroaches and thunderstorms.

2009-11-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

ok jessai...TOLD YOU MY ROOM ISN"T MESSY -.-" well..it's not neat either but it does NOT look like its' been hit by a hurricane aaaand i can't find my things coz go look at the folders!!! i have 9 folders, 3sleeved folders (duno what they're called) and 3magazine holder things filled with yr 12 stuff. ok...THOSE are messy...they're not sorted at all soooo imagine poor me going through them ONE AT A TIME merely to find a critique -.-"

ok pic 1...couldn't resist lol i like my light...think its' pretty -.-' NB it is NOT the lamp...it's the thing BENEATH THE LAMP ==

pic 2- yeah still have that thing of fahrenheit! ty jazzy =) not that you ever read my blog but meh.

pic 3- oh the top one's by benson XD i TOLD you i didn't chuck it away >< poster ="">pic 4- messiest part of my room- my books. all my bookshelves are full and i don't like the downstairs one. =X

okay enough about my room..-.-

pretty quote- "If death is your father, you need not fear that he will ever desert you. If death is your lover, you need not fear that he will ever leave you." every girl's dream eh...to marry death...lol

one of the things on my to do list-

live forever XD

how to achieve this (compiled by jessai and i)

1.. find the fountain of youth

2. tree of life (yeah i know...jessai already called me a bimbo coz it's a shop)

3. make a deal with the devil and sell your soul

4. make a deal with the devil and sell someone else's soul

5. get someone to paint you then say that you want to live forever and watch as the painting ages while you stay the same (picture of dorian gray)

6. become a vampire

7. find the philosopher's stone (it's probs stuck in some mirror anyway -.-" soo jessai proposed that we somehow get a hogwart's letter)

anyway...holidays are getting boring? o.O" i'm tired of sleeping. ==

2009-11-06T03:16:00.000-08:00

okkk i am exhausteddddd

*If you were a Dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss.

*If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together, forever.

*Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?

LOLLL TY spazz for the random hp pick up lines. they're sooo retarded BUT....they amused me for awhile hahaha

anyways.......yay city -.-' became tourists for a day (kinda)...who wants to ride the ferris wheel in darling harbour with me?! =X

mmm too tired to blog.

'what's 'kangaroo' in english????' LOL =)

omg how good does the cupcake look?! it was soooo nice =)

ps. i make a fail afghan lollll -.-" i look like an asian/walking plum but raaaaay haha have fun in mecca!!

2009-11-05T01:54:00.001-08:00

bye bye xanga...hello blogspot. =X

gosh this took AGES to figure out.....-.-"

and Poon -> i do NOT give out daily emo doses REMEMBER.......i DID post up pics of matt's stonedness lol that's not even a word.

anyways.....HSC HSC HSC HSC OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and i survived. well...barely but i think you've all heard me complain about it at some stage. just hoping for a 90+ ATAR now so yeah....

watched the imaginarium of dr parnassus today! gosh...shouldn't have chosen a postmodern film straight after economics...seriously, regardless of how great and awesome the film was (in my POV), it still gave me a headache coz i had to think. buuuut, dw.....i shall rewatch!! loll

also watched beauty and the geek today! MAKEOVERS!!!!! gosh one of the guys looked like a walking orange...-.-" sighh...i hate getting tanned and there they go, giving him an artificial tan -.-''

but omgsh....corin and emma evidently like each other BUTTTTTT i think emma and jeremy are cuter.

right now- looking forward to

*sleep

*europe

*dorian gray <3>

*surviving the hsc once and for all (i.e. once my marks come...which is stupid coz i'm gonna be on a PLANE T_T" and if it's a craptacular result, i'm going to be emo for the rest of the trip)

things i'm NOT looking forward to-

*swine flu vaccination/other vaccinations

*blood tests

*insects that come out when its' summer (e.g. huntsmans ewww)

*seeing more old ladies stare at matt when he's driving. she was soo rude. BUT dw, she'll be meeting her maker soon...well....maybe....